FATHERHOOD Part 1

Most of you know by now but for those who don’t, Courtney and I are preparing to have our first child.

WOW!!  It still feels weird to say that!!

It’s not that saying that bothers me, it’s just weird.  For some reason I had a perspective that I may not ever have kids, based on my age (not that I’m old, People!!) and Court and I’s career choices, choices that to some extent make having a family difficult.

Or, let’s not say difficult.  Let’s say challenging.  Cause let’s be honest, people like challenges far more than they like difficulty, though they are often the same thing.

But now, we’re four months along and S_%T is starting to get real…

Today for the first time, I spoke to our baby.  Through mama’s belly, of course.  According to Courtney, Little Bear can hear us now…oh, brief rabbit trail:  That’s it name at this point.  Little Bear.  Story – when we had our first sonogram we were surprised by the unusual view we got of this peanut-sized bundle of joy.  Most folks get the side view, or what I call ‘The Dinosaur’ because of the little tail thing at the end.  But for some reason, our little ‘guy’ gave us a full frontal and as such it appeared to us that it had four little paws!!!

Needless to say, the first thing out of Courtney’s mouth was, “OMG!  Look at that Little Bear!!”  So now, it’s our Little Bear.

Anyway back to belly talk.  So Court and I were talking and I leaned over and said, “Hey Little Bear, it’s your dad.  Don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m here.”

I don’t know if you can here me…but I’m here.

In that moment, something new kicked in.  Some new catharsis about myself, my identity.

I am a Father

I am a Son.

I am a…husband.

Oddly similar, don’t you think?  Now, before you reach the conclusion that I’m referring to myself as God, hang with me!!  That’s not what I’m saying.

Many dad’s my argue with me here, but I don’t think I’m wrong when I say that that similarity is not a coincidence.  What an example the Fathers love of the Son is in understanding the role of ‘raising up’ for those of us about to embark.

To understand what it means to, “love the child” we can look directly at the model of the father’s love for us.  And HOW OFTEN does he whisper, “I don’t know if you can here me…but I’m here” to me.  And how often do I ignore him, or pretend that I can’t hear?

I’m beginning to think that I am an infant in the womb of the world.  God whispers to us through the shell of this life to say, “I’m here.  I’m your Dad.  I love you.”  And through the screaming and twisting and pang of birth, the passage from sleep to life, He is never far.

And neither can I be.

That is something I’m sure one cannot understand until those words come from your mouth for the first time and you realize that above all else, love the child, the way that He first loved us.

To be continued…

Camp Romance And Christmas Miracles

2011 over!!  Can’t believe it.  So most of you know that this is Courtney and I’s 5th anniversary.  That’s right folks, five years ago today, Courtney Clark said yes to this guy!

Sometimes that’s a very shocking revelation.  In fact, I would say that marriage is a shocking revelation.  Think about it.  For some reason, you find yourself attracted to this person (who is this person?).  At first it’s all kittens and rainbows in your tum-tum.  Newsflash!!  That’s cause you don’t know anything about them!

Take Courtney and I for example, but I warn you, we are CLICHE!!!  We met in that oh so well known spiritual incubator, summer camp…as counselors…SICK!!!

CAMP RELATIONSHIPS!!!  YEAH!!!

Here’s the thing about camp relationships.  When you meet your soul-mate bestie with a side of forever in that kind of environment, you fall into what I call the holy spirit “we could be like this forever” love fest.

It’s that time in your budding camp romance when you use spiritually self-manipulative phrases like, “Friends with spiritual intention.”  Translation: “We really wanna make out but can’t cause we’re at camp.”  Come on, people.  Be honest!!  You all know it’s true!!

And of course the problem with camp love is that it’s a frozen moment in time, a beginning repeated over and over, with no middle or end.  So when you leave camp, suddenly you find yourself in relationship amnesia.  Suddenly you can’t remember why you thought this person was so spiritually hot-to-trot.  You see them in real, everyday life and you go, “huh?”  And the relationship usually just fizzles out from there.

Approximately 98% of camp relationships end within the first three months of post camp life.

That’s a wikipedia fact so you know it’s legit.

All that said, it’s a freaking miracle that Courtney and I survived.  How?  Lord knows…I mean literally, only the Lord knows.  People always say we look like brother and sister and that we’re “like, so alike!”  But the fact of the matter is, we’re not alike at all.  We both love to travel and discover new foods but beyond that, we are very dissimilar.

The thing with Court and I is that we need each other.  We counter balance each other’s life obstacles.  For me, I can be narcissistic from time to time.  Without Court’s humility and servant heart, I would be an arrogant mess.  And Court?  She’ll tell you that she’s a people pleaser and sometimes insecure.  My confidence (in her) pushes her forward.  The point is, I think we challenge each other in the ways that count, at least I hope so, and that is why we fight about what we fight about and why we fight about those things the way we do (in front of people).

Every fight Court and I have is a battle for our marriage.  We know that in fighting with each other, we are really fighting for each other.  And that creates the safety and security needed to communicate effectively.  As a result, every fight is an affirmation of the miracle of marriage.

I’ve been thinking about the miracle of our relationship a lot, especially in the season of miracles.

The miracle of Christmas rests in hope, the hope of a child, the hope of a saving.  It’s no wonder Christmas comes at the end of the year, the end of the line, the end of strength, tears, pain, heartache, laughter, whatever.  It is the time of renewal, the time to say we made it here, despite us, and we’re hoping for a miracle.

The beautiful thing is, we got one, two thousand years ago.

And when the hope of the child lives in us, we can live a Christmas Miracle every year, every day, a New Years ‘resurrection’ of sorts, a new year, a fresh start, a clear perspective.

That is my prayer for 2012, that we would see the world anew.  It’s a time of change in the Cleveland household and with that comes new joy, new challenges, and opportunities, unique to the season that they are in.

As we venture into the season of 2012, let us not forget that the miracle of Christmas and mystery of a new year don’t have to just occur on one calendar day a year.  They can live in us and they are renewable everyday.  Everyday is a new beginning, a new chapter, a new mystery, a new miracle, because of a child.

Happy next 365 days of Christmas.

Ho, Ho, Ho.

God bless…